Which is the most important value in a romantic relationship? How to improve it?

Hello there,

Today its time to become sentimental. Which is the most important value in a romantic relationship?

Obviously there is no general rule that applies to everyone. Every person has its own opinion on that matter. Quite often a person has wrong opinion about which value is most important to them and they don’t know it. Sometimes after a bad relationship we prioritize the value we need the most based on what we didn’t have in our previous relationship. Or we reevaluate what is most important to us if we realize what we thought before ain’t enough.

First I am going to present some of the important values and analyse them. Then apply them to us. Finally I will present some ideas about couple dynamics and discuss if both persons in a relationship need to have similar important values (in order for relationships to work smoother).

HONESTY

The most common value that is considered as the most important. Honesty is definitely very important. How can we be or live with a person if that person isn’t honest with us? But can we really be fully honest. Do we want the other person to be fully honest? Theoretically its relative simple thing to do. In my opinion it is much harder. Its very hard for people to be 100% honest. That would bring discomfort at least. It can lead the other person to feel ‘unwanted’. For example one person might comment on a new haircut ‘I don’t really like this new haircut’. The other person might feel unwanted or less. End up feeling bad about their self. This sentence doesn’t mean ‘I don’t like you anymore’ it simply means ‘I prefer the older haircut than the new’. This is a very simple example but same thing can be applied to more complex situations. On the other side , especially in the younger age, it can lead to a ‘boring’ or ‘routine’ relationship. I keep hearing about break ups due to a ‘boring’ relationship. No challenges or surprises lead to a smooth and quiet relationship, that can be boring for some people.

TRUST

Trust is often believed to be the same with honesty. In my opinion , the one doesn’t mean the other. For example we can trust someone without the need to know every single thing they think. Or that people who are 100% honest , doesn’t mean they are to be trusted,their actions or intentions. In my opinion it can lead to mistrust. If we know someone has second thoughts about something. How can trust them after? I believe trust in general is very important and hard to achieve in relationships. Trust that someone is going to act for the mutual good. Even without knowing 100% of the thought process that lead there.

FREEDOM or INDIPENDANCE

Obviously nobody is a slave in a relationship. Freedom in this instance means independence. Also has a lot to do with trust. Some people need independence. Also known as ‘me time’. This can mean doing an activity alone some hobbies, exercise or just a casual hangout with friends. Independence does NOT mean lack of interest. Neither an escape tendency. Its just a balance mechanism that doesn’t apply to all people. For some sounds absurd to do an activity alone instead of with their partner. For others its helpful for their self balance.

EQUALITY

Here is a touchy subject in today s society. Lets remain focused on the personal relationships part. Equality means equal freedom , responsibility. For the early parts of a relationship its not usually an issue. Unless some extreme examples where the one person is ‘allowed’ to go out with their friends alone and the other isn’t unless the partner is with and similar cases. Such relationships are totally unhealthy and should be avoided. Equality becomes more relevant with children. Children bring responsibilities. Demand great care and much more coordination by the couple. In that case equality can become a huge issue. For example if both persons in a relationship are working. Then at home only one is focused on taking care of the kid and do all the tasks such cleaning etc. (even without the kid its the same) its unfair and unequal.

 

There are definitely many other important values in a relationship. Understanding , Love, Commitment , Communication,Sexual desire, Similar interests , Similar beliefs, Respect, Compromise and Problem Resolving. But all of those root to the more important ones mentioned above and are of secondary priority. Meaning if we have trust with each other then we probably already have good understanding and respect for each other. Similar interests help a relationship long term but couple can survive with only few or simple similar interests , like watching movies or travel. Compromise roots in equality. Relationships are hard both persons need to compromise equally.

Making a decision for ourselves:

The most important value isn’t universal. Everyone prioritizes their needs. Based on their personality , experience and goals. I believe all of the above mentioned values are needed in order to have and maintain a healthy relationship. Its also important to set boundaries. The most relevant thing is the couple dynamic.

Couple dynamic

By now we focused on finding the most important value in each of us. But a relationship is built by two persons (lets keep this traditional). In order for it to work we must account the other person priorities. Respect their wishes and NOT be controlling.

The main point is to appreciate a person as they are.  Trying to change a person into something else is totally WRONG. We start a relationship because we like and appreciate  a person. We maintain those feelings and develop more. Over time people habits and priorities evolve. We can only hope it evolves to a mutual benefit. The change is based on trust and remaining honest with each other. Its also influential.  In a relationship over time, one influences the other (good and bad). People reevaluate , once they see values applied by their partner , that they believed were insignificant before.

In the end we must all agree to disagree (understanding). It is not possible to agree with another person 100% .  In any kind of relationship. Communication is the key.

In order for a couple to help each other. They must first know, that an issue actually exists. This is accurate for both genders. Even if we are dating a shrink! they shouldn’t be put in a position to guess what’s wrong with us and question their self and actions. Problem solving works only if both persons acknowledge the problem.  Sometimes one doesn’t feel that something is a problem because for them its not very important yet for the other is huge. The opposite is being there. Even if the person actually does the above , communicates and shows that there is an issue. Then the second needs to be there in order to listen and help. In that moment , they must forget their personal issues leave their phone forget their work and focus only on that problem.

As of the final question..

Do people in a romantic relationship need to have similar values in order for the relationship to work? 

YES , it is very important. Two persons need at least in some scale similar values and priorities’. The differences can be smooth en but in order for that to happen there must some agreement and a common ground. At the end it all has to do with each persons desire to actually solve the issues! The bigger the common ground the less is required.

 

 

 

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